I told you so.

Well I suppose that I am not mean enough to tell him to his face. I told you so.. But now that its happened, he understands where I was coming from. The EX told my husband yesterday that she couldn't send him the child support because she had to use it on bills. He was pissed alright, however I told him she would do this. And this was the exact reason why I told him to get it all done through the court first before he brought them here.

However my husband is the kind of person that has to get effed over so many times before it sinks in. I guess in a way that makes him a better person. But in others it makes him a fool.

The race is on now to get a lawyer.

Dreamland

I had another dream about Dell last night. He had a lot of fish. I mean tank fulls. I wake wondering why would he have so many fish? Then I realize, this Friday is his birthday. And he is a Pisces. That would make sense.

A lot

Its been a while. Some extreme things have been going on lately. I have my tickets to see my parents in April. I will stay there for a week. I have been busting my tail at trying to loose weight before the summertime. I do not want to have to go swimming in the river with embarrassment.
I got addicted to pain medications again for 2 weeks. I had my jaw cut up to remove a tooth. The pain medication addiction was a good distraction for the cabin fever I have been dealing with. Now its back to reality.
Finally we are able to take a weekend trip up to visit the Grand parents (in laws). I am very excited for this, because if I have to spend one more weekend with my husband, I just might go insane and pack up and leave. Not that things are getting that bad. But at times things are that bad in my head. My head... always spinning. Always leaving.
Spring is upon us. Thank you sweet baby Jesus in your golden diapers! I think that all this snow and being confined to the house is driving my hormones to dangerous levels. I need a happy medium. Some place where I can spend most of the year outside. Not stuck in the house. Going from Arizona to the north pole didn't help. Just polar opposites.
Why do my parents have to be going to Italy?? Still don't have a back up plan!
What is going on with the world? Millions of fish are dying in the ocean, to be washed up in California. Birds are dropping out of the sky in flocks. And Charlie Sheen is going crazy and videoing it for all the world to see.
I need to start construction on my tumbleweed sooner than I thought.

Italy?

My phone rings in my car. I nearly jumped out of my seat, I didnt expect to hear that trance song out of the blue. My mom says, "where are you"
I tell her to call me back in 15 minutes and I will be home. I walk in the door and put the stuff I had bought away when the house phone starts ringing. It's my mom. I pick up. We make small talk for a minute. Then she lays it on me
" We are moving to Italy."
" WHAT?"
" Yes, your Dad wants to work for two more years then retire, but they only have a position here for one more year. So we have to get stationed in Italy in order for him to continue work for 2 more years."
" so how long is he going to be stationed there? " I ask knowing that you just don't get stationed somewhere for 2 years.
" three years then we will be back in the states" my mom says

3 years??? Really? What am I gonna do! I can't believe they are going overseas again! I have grown accustom to knowing they where at least in the states and if I needed to run home to mommy and daddy I could. Now what! I don't have a back up plan anymore.

This is too much to handle.

So now I have to fly home with Liam for a few days in April.

Over it

Did I forget to mention... I am over it. Noah will always be someone who will want what he can never have. I don't even know why I am talking about it, like I was even considering it. Which I wasn't, it's just that sometimes he still tugs at my heart.
But I know in order to move forth I need to forgive and forget. Bless it and. Move on. Acknowledge it and embrace it. You get the point.
So I meditated on it and I come to this conclusion, having been hanging on to this for so long, and not really knowing why he continued to email me, or tried to get in contact with me, was really doing me no good.

I realize that I cannot stop him from trying to contact me. But I can move on and not worry about his motives for doing things. Perhaps he is that confused in his heart. However that is not my problem, nor shall I allow it to be my problem. God made him who he is, and it is not my concern
why.

Noah left on deployment for Afghanistan yesterday morning. I wished him well and told him I hoped he found what he was looking for in life. Perhaps that doesn't close the chapter of me in his life.
However it does close his chapter for me in my life.

Valentines Day boogie.

Well well well, who would have known the best place to have a good time is at your local Tavern. My husband and I went out on Saturday night for Valentines day. We had some dinner two small towns away, the dinner was terrible, but the wine was good. By the time we left I had a hankering to play some darts.

Sometimes my husband is so difficult. Its like i have to drag him fighting tooth and nail to do something random. He hates asking people for things. Like "where is your shampoo" or " Is there a bar in town that has a dam dart board." So I take charge. I am going to play some darts and have a good time I don't care if I have to drag him along.

He suggested a local tavern. We went. We park our butts at the end of the bar to wait out a game already in session. The locals have started to talk to us, and invite us to a concert at another bar. Na we say we are just here to play some darts.

We play, we drink, we get drunk... well I did anyway. And then my friendly side takes over. I start to meet everyone in the bar. Meanwhile getting my butt kicked at darts... Oh well, we had a good night.

My husband had fun, I had a blast. We finally had a good night.

My job here is done.... Now remind me never, ever, ever... to drink patron again...

What the hey..

I know I am random. I like to think that is part of my charm. I can jump subjects like its going out of style.
Last night I dreamt that Dell and I got back together. He was out partying with his friends. (a huge group of people I didn't even know) And they all did drugs together. Somehow we are staying in a hotel, or a house that is like a hotel. There are 3 rooms in the basement that are attached to each other. In one room in the far back is where my son is sleeping. Then there is another room with 2 beds in it with cheap hotel blankets on them. The radio is on in that room. And last there is a front room with one bed, a closet, and a table next to me. ( I am laying in the bed like I'm going to sleep) Dell comes back with his group of friends. I can sense something off about him. Somehow my dream thoughts as well as my awake thoughts merge. I could always count on Dell to be faithful. I trusted him with my life. (I have never trusted anyone that much ) But I didn't trust him now. So I pull him aside. And he tells me what is going on. He is having trust issues with me. We work it out. For our son.

I wake feeling sad.. I miss Dell. A lot. I was thinking of him last night before I fell asleep. I wonder what he is up to now. What he is doing with his life. I wonder what it would be like had we stayed together. Then I walk into Liam's room, and I know, I wouldn't change a thing. He is standing in his crib holding his monkey, he says to me "Hi".

Liam is my life. My greatest love.

Thus said, I am going to school. I no longer care if its just for my LPN. I don't care that I cannot afford to go for my MLT degree. I will get an associate as an LPN and then I will work on my RN. I have done jobs in the past that I did not care for. But now its a matter of my Liam. I would do any job that I had to in order to insure that he is taken care of. As I said, he is my life.

Exactly what I was afraid of has come to pass. My husband and I took in his children from his previous marriage. They are living with us now. The agreement was that the Ex was to send us the money when she got child support out of his check. Now she has two of the child support checks and has not sent us the money. Needless to say we are broke right now, in trying to provide for them as well as Liam. This is how much she can be trusted.. She never even sent the girls a Christmas present, let alone a card. I warned my husband this would happen when we were first discussing taking the girls in. He got angry and wanted to know what else he was suppose to do. " They are my kids, I'm not just gonna leave them hanging. If they need to move here to be in a better enviorment then I will move them here" This is just a peep of what kind of arguing we did over this. To the point where I sent him an email explaining to him that I had enough and I wanted to leave him. He changed his tone and tried to work it out with me. But in the end, he still allowed the Ex to get what she wanted, and now that brings us to where we are now.

Today I get to call a lawyer. To see if there is some easy paperwork they can file to stop the support from coming out of his paycheck while we have the girls. (good thing I have a savings account. Because if I didn't we would be stuck in this situation. Not being able to afford Legal help) We should have done this when we brought them here in the first place.... This was exactly the thing I tried to tell him before we bought the plane tickets for them.  Yes, I was right... Again.

Battle of the bulge

Update!! I have lost 5 lbs so far. I am very proud of myself now I just have to keep at it!

Oh my...

I know it is wrong. I know that in my heart of hearts that it is no good for me to even be talking to him. But he keeps talking to me. Asking me when we can be together.

I miss him it seems I miss him more when my husband and I are not getting along. It's like Noah only comes around when I am going through some tough times. Then it is so hard to not emotionally be involved with him. But I still have a hard time trusting him. But Noah has no problem trusting me. He gave me his user name and password today to one of his accounts! Why would he do that? Just confuses me so much.

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this...

One day...

One day I am going to build one of these.

Its a Tumbleweed Tiny house. I have been looking at this for a long time. I think it would be the coolest thing I could do to start downsizing my material possessions.

My Husband doesn't like this idea.... Sometimes I wonder if we really are anything alike. He says he doesn't want to live in a tiny house. I told him he didn't have to.

But mind you that is not gonna stop me. I am still gonna build one. I even have a plan to build one.

First I will finish school then get a job, and I will save up the money I need for materials.

I can get the blueprints online through the Tumbleweed company. And a plus is they are really inexpensive to build.

The hard part is picking which one I want! 

There are so many layouts. And all of them really utilize all the space perfectly! The interiors are super nice!

The cost of utilities in one of these houses is ridiculously low. Some of them have recorded utilities at $69.00 a year. That is crazy! Way to reduce your carbon foot print!

One day....

Battle of the bulge

I can't live like this! I am so disgusted with myself at this point. I have resolved that I am changing my habits. It's time to get serious again about working out and eating proper portions. I am like a walking human size pear and its not becoming.

I was in walmart yesterday and they are already selling bathing suits! What?? I'm not ready! Plus it's still only 30 degrees outside. So needless to say, I do believe it's time to get ready to battle the pudge and break out the kettlebell.

New car! yay!

Drool...



I like.





Could have used these back in the day when people would sit in the back on the floor!



All this and more.

Arg... This weight loss situation is not going good at all. This whole weekend went to shit. Friday we went out for our anniversary and I told myself I was going to have a salad, instead I ended up with the biggest burger they sell in the place. Saturday we went to look at cars and we were gone all day so we stopped at pizza hut, and yes I had pizza. Then yesterday we had to put the deposit down on the car, (I ended up going with the Kia Sorento, and I'm super excited about this) so we didnt get back till 4pm and to feed the family, we decided KFC would do this ( KFC is so disgusting I could have had a salad no problem). Needless to say, I am failing at dropping the pounds.

You know it wouldn't be so bad if I actually looked cute with some weight on me. But I don't. Not at all.


I am super excited about my new car I feel like it's the day before Christmas! I can't wait to drive it again! I will be getting out more that's for sure. I can't believe I bought a Kia! I know they won the 2010 safety pick of the year, but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I actually liked it the best out of all the cars that I looked at. I should be on a Kia commercial.

Random

This morning I woke myself up from a disturbing dream of eating pizza rolls that had some disgusting candy filling inside, I almost puked. Now every-time I think about the dream my stomach turns, and my mouth waters. Is it gonna be that kinda day today?

Sometimes my husband is an idiot. When I tell him my opinion on something he challenges me. Then he ends up doing what I told him not to do. In the end it turns out exactly like I was trying to avoid. Some times I really just want to take Liam and leave. It is so much cheaper for me to be single. I need to hurry up and get my butt in school because if we continue like this we are not gonna make it.

Im so sick of looking at cars online. I am completely confused and my brain is tired thinking about v6 and 4x4 or all wheel drive. I just want to buy one already and be done with it.

Top it all off today is my anniversary and I just know my husband is gonna want to have sex. To be truthful I'm just not up to it.

Finally!

Evita is pregnant. I swear I have been waiting years for her to bare a child! My only regret is that my heart aches to be there with her, with Charles and her, to watch their offspring grow. To let both our children grow together.

All my friends are having babies. Having them without me there. Is it the Fact that they all married before i did and knowing babies were coming next, did I unconsciously feel the need to catch up? Keep up with the jones so to speak?

I have always envied Charles and Evita's love story. They were meant for one another, destined to be together. Falling in love at a young age, high school sweethearts, married after 5 years together and still happy. They know each other like no one else knows them. It's good to have one stable image of love as theirs is, since mine is all screwed up.

Watching them evolve and grow together over the years really gives u hope in a country that has an 80 percentile divorce rate. Like an old 50's love story where they grow old and die happy together.

Dreamland..

I don't like it when i dream about him.. Everything changes when i do. My whole peace of mind just goes right out the window, and it takes a long time for me to get my equilibrium back. Sometimes I don't even remember what the dream was about, sometimes its not even the exact way he looks, or even how things went between us. But its the feelings, always the same feelings. The desperation i felt to be with him. I'm not talking about Dell, it was Noah... It seems it was always Noah, when Noah called and wanted me back, I would come running. Only to be left again. It was almost as if I couldn't get enough because I couldn't have him.

He was younger than me, much younger, mentally. I don't think he was ready for the likes of me. He was innocent in my eyes. (perhaps he was the devil himself, however, to me, he was an angel.) He was the normal to my complicated, out of control, life at the time. We went to the same church. Though i rarely seen him there. I went to watch his softball games, he played for our church.

I was in love with the way he looked at me, the way he kissed me, the way he held me. Coming from a relationship that offered me very little physical contact, this was bliss. I was totally, unabashedly, in love. I just couldn't take how he would run away every time we got close. It drove me nuts. Then eventually drove me from him.

I moved on. It was difficult for me. Much more then leaving Dell, with whom I spent 5 years of my life with. I was broken for a long while. I hid it well, mostly with the help of a superficial relationship with someone else. Every time Noah called on me, I was there. And each time he left, I had to heal myself once again. Each time it was detrimental to me.

I called enough, when I went on the first date with my husband. I am not sure if it was the fact that i had just had enough, and my heart could not take it anymore. Or if it was the fact that I had found someone whom liked the same things I did, and subconsciously I knew, was family oriented. Perhaps I was ready to have a family all along.

Noah never stops to penetrate my mind. Every once and a while we still talk. He still tells me he loves me. He wishes he never let me go. I have to end the conversation at these declarations of love and promises. I love my husband. And I have healed. I am faithful to my family. I will not leave them.
But, reluctantly, my dreams still know him.

Seriously...

So you don't like the idea. Well to bad I vetoed it. It's my parents and they could do what they want, so if u don't like it perhaps u should not dictate to me what type of vehicle I should get.

Some days I just don't have the energy for this life. Life was so much easier when I was single. I didn't have to worry about anyone's feelings. Just my own. I didn't have to justify anything, I made my own bed cause I was the only one to sleep in it, I did my dishes and I cleaned up my messes.

I don't like feeling like I don't have control over my choices, as if my wants and ideals are stupid and wrong. If I want to live in Ireland for the rest of my life don't tell me it's a dumb idea. I always try to support an others idea. So why is it so hard to just support mine?

Oh and one more thing.... You are not always right, accept for once in your life that you can be wrong once in a while. That you don't have to argue about everything. So what who cares in the big scheme of life. Just get over it already!

Don't cry for me, Evita....

No, really don't. When I was younger, I couldn't get my parents to buy me anything. Now that I'm older all of a sudden they want to buy me the world. My mother called me, she wants to buy me a car. A CAR?? What the?? Is she losing her mind? Where did this come from all of a sudden. I can't talk her out of it because deep down I really want a new car! But more than that, she is stubborn as I am and won't take no for an answer. However there is one stipulation, she wants me to get a Kia.... Really?? A Kia? Oh no they suck. Seriously what kind of 4x4 could Kia possibly make.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I have to find some way to talk her into a more SUV like SUV.

I have to learn how to let stuff go. I never considered myself very materialistic. However I am very much annoyed if someone messes up my stuff. I don't like a dirty house I hate it when some doesn't pick up after themselves. And don't you dare mess up something I just bought. Does this make me materialistic? But how is it that I can just up and leave 11 years worth of stuff and move to the middle of no where with nothing?

So I'm gonna try to lighten up this new year, roll with the good and bad, and accept it when my mom wants to buy me a new car!

Dreams.. what do they mean anyway?

Waking up I'm thinking, that was a bit strange. I have been having dreams about exs lately. Yeah, exs.. does this mean I'm not content in my marriage that I am dreaming about exs? Its almost alarming. I spent five years with a man that I loved to no end. Loved and let get away with everything he wanted to do. But, when it came to something I wanted to do it was like pulling teeth with him.

Dell was the cool guy, socially blessed, and needless to say his style was way better than mine. When we parted ways, it was almost civil. I say almost because he was very good at hiding feelings, as am I. He ripped up our pictures, and when I started to cry, he told me he did it to see if I still cared. Of course I cared, however, I was getting older, and I need to find someone that was interested in the same things I was, not someone who would probably never grow up, and wanted to go party all the time. I was getting older without him.

I remember something about Dell living in an apartment, he was not home, but I had a key. I let myself in, I find that he has been in a relationship with someone else. At this point I am overcome with sadness, and anger. Dell shows up, and I am shocked at how good looking he still is, (even in my dream, needless to say i have not seen him for 3 years now). He is shirtless, and I run into his arms while he tells me he still cares. Then I ask " why would you still care, I have a child now. He is not yours". Then the scene changes, we are standing by the window in his apartment and the building is shaking. I look up to see an airplane dangerously close to colliding with the apartments across the street. I ask, " Doesn't that freak you out? It could come crashing into your house, just like that!"  I look up and see college girls in their bathing suits exiting the top floor apartment across the street. They are all laughing and carefree, like an airplane didn't just come close to killing them all.

Is it wrong that, while that dream was so unreal, and crazy, I still tried my hardest to go back to sleep and continue it? (we all know that doesn't work.)

A change in scale.

Standing at the kitchen counter eating a chocolate marshmallow Santa does not help the fact that I have never weighed so much in my life. I did run today for like 30 mins, well walked really fast for 20 and ran for 10, so I deserve a little reward. This is probably why I will never ever weigh 119 lbs.


To be truthful, I am shamed by the way this blog started out. I sound so pitiful. Like I'm this crazy Emo person, I'm not I will say in my own defense, as a matter if fact I'm very very positive in real life. However every up must have a down. And the whole reason i started this totally obvious site was to have an outlet for my down. So thats my justification for my moodyness.

I will say this, today is a good day, if I could just get in a nap I will be super happy.. The boy is asleep and I only have so much time!

I have a good husband. My husband is the kind of husband that will change my oil in 24 degree weather. He is the kind of man that will plow the driveway at the first sign of snow, the kind of man that will drive an hour to get to work everyday while I stay home. Needless to say I am a lucky woman. You knew there was a but coming, so here it is, but, there are just some things that he does that annoys me to no end. There hardly ever is a moment of silence between us. What ever happened to comfortable silences? Why all the talking all the time? And seriously how can you be so content without friends? I'm board, I need some more interaction then just 3 kids and a husband that is barely home anyway. I have placed the blame on him for that because we all know it takes a job or a school to make friends when your older. As much as I would like to walk up to someone and say " you wanna be my friend " to a complete stranger, it's not likely that they will just be my friend, more likely that will look at me strangely and be on there way.
I don't like being talked to when I'm trying to get ready to go somewhere, just like I don't like to be talked to when I'm reading, or watching my favorite show. I really dislike being touched inappropriately when off my guard. Don't come up behind me and get a cheap feel. I hate that more than anything.

Though all these thing go through my head, every day my husband is still a good man. And I love him very much.

So exhausted

Oh my goodness, this day is so over for me. Seriously I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. What happened to the cool me. The social butterfly, the one with the cool group of friends. Sometimes I wonder why I moved to this place. Oh yeah cause I wanted wide open spaces. A house with acres, only I want to see my friends here too. I feel fat and lonely and tired. I can't wait for this day to end.

Peeved

It's like she has bi-polar disorder. I dread when Olive comes home from school, never knowing what kind of mood she is in. Last night she started with " I don't wanna do my homework" which progressed with her disgusting attitude and degrading remarks to her sister Melanie. Their my step daughters. And reluctantly they have come to live with us till their mother gets her things in order. I didn't like the idea, call me selfish but its the plain and simple fact that I do not have the ability discipline them the way I believe I should. If Olive had argued like that with my parents she would have gotten smacked across the face. Like I wanted to do to her last night.

I have a son, almost 2 years old. I don't want her blatant disrespect to rub off on my son. I am so pissed at her even after she apologized. I am mad at my husband that he allowed them to come here. I should have known this going into the marriage, and perhaps I did not care then. But there are times when I want to just leave. Take my boy and never come back. If it was not for Liem, i probably would have. Not saying I don't love my husband, I do, but I have left people I loved for less.

I really dread 4pm now.