What the hey..

I know I am random. I like to think that is part of my charm. I can jump subjects like its going out of style.
Last night I dreamt that Dell and I got back together. He was out partying with his friends. (a huge group of people I didn't even know) And they all did drugs together. Somehow we are staying in a hotel, or a house that is like a hotel. There are 3 rooms in the basement that are attached to each other. In one room in the far back is where my son is sleeping. Then there is another room with 2 beds in it with cheap hotel blankets on them. The radio is on in that room. And last there is a front room with one bed, a closet, and a table next to me. ( I am laying in the bed like I'm going to sleep) Dell comes back with his group of friends. I can sense something off about him. Somehow my dream thoughts as well as my awake thoughts merge. I could always count on Dell to be faithful. I trusted him with my life. (I have never trusted anyone that much ) But I didn't trust him now. So I pull him aside. And he tells me what is going on. He is having trust issues with me. We work it out. For our son.

I wake feeling sad.. I miss Dell. A lot. I was thinking of him last night before I fell asleep. I wonder what he is up to now. What he is doing with his life. I wonder what it would be like had we stayed together. Then I walk into Liam's room, and I know, I wouldn't change a thing. He is standing in his crib holding his monkey, he says to me "Hi".

Liam is my life. My greatest love.

Thus said, I am going to school. I no longer care if its just for my LPN. I don't care that I cannot afford to go for my MLT degree. I will get an associate as an LPN and then I will work on my RN. I have done jobs in the past that I did not care for. But now its a matter of my Liam. I would do any job that I had to in order to insure that he is taken care of. As I said, he is my life.

Exactly what I was afraid of has come to pass. My husband and I took in his children from his previous marriage. They are living with us now. The agreement was that the Ex was to send us the money when she got child support out of his check. Now she has two of the child support checks and has not sent us the money. Needless to say we are broke right now, in trying to provide for them as well as Liam. This is how much she can be trusted.. She never even sent the girls a Christmas present, let alone a card. I warned my husband this would happen when we were first discussing taking the girls in. He got angry and wanted to know what else he was suppose to do. " They are my kids, I'm not just gonna leave them hanging. If they need to move here to be in a better enviorment then I will move them here" This is just a peep of what kind of arguing we did over this. To the point where I sent him an email explaining to him that I had enough and I wanted to leave him. He changed his tone and tried to work it out with me. But in the end, he still allowed the Ex to get what she wanted, and now that brings us to where we are now.

Today I get to call a lawyer. To see if there is some easy paperwork they can file to stop the support from coming out of his paycheck while we have the girls. (good thing I have a savings account. Because if I didn't we would be stuck in this situation. Not being able to afford Legal help) We should have done this when we brought them here in the first place.... This was exactly the thing I tried to tell him before we bought the plane tickets for them.  Yes, I was right... Again.