Italy?

My phone rings in my car. I nearly jumped out of my seat, I didnt expect to hear that trance song out of the blue. My mom says, "where are you"
I tell her to call me back in 15 minutes and I will be home. I walk in the door and put the stuff I had bought away when the house phone starts ringing. It's my mom. I pick up. We make small talk for a minute. Then she lays it on me
" We are moving to Italy."
" WHAT?"
" Yes, your Dad wants to work for two more years then retire, but they only have a position here for one more year. So we have to get stationed in Italy in order for him to continue work for 2 more years."
" so how long is he going to be stationed there? " I ask knowing that you just don't get stationed somewhere for 2 years.
" three years then we will be back in the states" my mom says

3 years??? Really? What am I gonna do! I can't believe they are going overseas again! I have grown accustom to knowing they where at least in the states and if I needed to run home to mommy and daddy I could. Now what! I don't have a back up plan anymore.

This is too much to handle.

So now I have to fly home with Liam for a few days in April.

Over it

Did I forget to mention... I am over it. Noah will always be someone who will want what he can never have. I don't even know why I am talking about it, like I was even considering it. Which I wasn't, it's just that sometimes he still tugs at my heart.
But I know in order to move forth I need to forgive and forget. Bless it and. Move on. Acknowledge it and embrace it. You get the point.
So I meditated on it and I come to this conclusion, having been hanging on to this for so long, and not really knowing why he continued to email me, or tried to get in contact with me, was really doing me no good.

I realize that I cannot stop him from trying to contact me. But I can move on and not worry about his motives for doing things. Perhaps he is that confused in his heart. However that is not my problem, nor shall I allow it to be my problem. God made him who he is, and it is not my concern
why.

Noah left on deployment for Afghanistan yesterday morning. I wished him well and told him I hoped he found what he was looking for in life. Perhaps that doesn't close the chapter of me in his life.
However it does close his chapter for me in my life.

Valentines Day boogie.

Well well well, who would have known the best place to have a good time is at your local Tavern. My husband and I went out on Saturday night for Valentines day. We had some dinner two small towns away, the dinner was terrible, but the wine was good. By the time we left I had a hankering to play some darts.

Sometimes my husband is so difficult. Its like i have to drag him fighting tooth and nail to do something random. He hates asking people for things. Like "where is your shampoo" or " Is there a bar in town that has a dam dart board." So I take charge. I am going to play some darts and have a good time I don't care if I have to drag him along.

He suggested a local tavern. We went. We park our butts at the end of the bar to wait out a game already in session. The locals have started to talk to us, and invite us to a concert at another bar. Na we say we are just here to play some darts.

We play, we drink, we get drunk... well I did anyway. And then my friendly side takes over. I start to meet everyone in the bar. Meanwhile getting my butt kicked at darts... Oh well, we had a good night.

My husband had fun, I had a blast. We finally had a good night.

My job here is done.... Now remind me never, ever, ever... to drink patron again...

What the hey..

I know I am random. I like to think that is part of my charm. I can jump subjects like its going out of style.
Last night I dreamt that Dell and I got back together. He was out partying with his friends. (a huge group of people I didn't even know) And they all did drugs together. Somehow we are staying in a hotel, or a house that is like a hotel. There are 3 rooms in the basement that are attached to each other. In one room in the far back is where my son is sleeping. Then there is another room with 2 beds in it with cheap hotel blankets on them. The radio is on in that room. And last there is a front room with one bed, a closet, and a table next to me. ( I am laying in the bed like I'm going to sleep) Dell comes back with his group of friends. I can sense something off about him. Somehow my dream thoughts as well as my awake thoughts merge. I could always count on Dell to be faithful. I trusted him with my life. (I have never trusted anyone that much ) But I didn't trust him now. So I pull him aside. And he tells me what is going on. He is having trust issues with me. We work it out. For our son.

I wake feeling sad.. I miss Dell. A lot. I was thinking of him last night before I fell asleep. I wonder what he is up to now. What he is doing with his life. I wonder what it would be like had we stayed together. Then I walk into Liam's room, and I know, I wouldn't change a thing. He is standing in his crib holding his monkey, he says to me "Hi".

Liam is my life. My greatest love.

Thus said, I am going to school. I no longer care if its just for my LPN. I don't care that I cannot afford to go for my MLT degree. I will get an associate as an LPN and then I will work on my RN. I have done jobs in the past that I did not care for. But now its a matter of my Liam. I would do any job that I had to in order to insure that he is taken care of. As I said, he is my life.

Exactly what I was afraid of has come to pass. My husband and I took in his children from his previous marriage. They are living with us now. The agreement was that the Ex was to send us the money when she got child support out of his check. Now she has two of the child support checks and has not sent us the money. Needless to say we are broke right now, in trying to provide for them as well as Liam. This is how much she can be trusted.. She never even sent the girls a Christmas present, let alone a card. I warned my husband this would happen when we were first discussing taking the girls in. He got angry and wanted to know what else he was suppose to do. " They are my kids, I'm not just gonna leave them hanging. If they need to move here to be in a better enviorment then I will move them here" This is just a peep of what kind of arguing we did over this. To the point where I sent him an email explaining to him that I had enough and I wanted to leave him. He changed his tone and tried to work it out with me. But in the end, he still allowed the Ex to get what she wanted, and now that brings us to where we are now.

Today I get to call a lawyer. To see if there is some easy paperwork they can file to stop the support from coming out of his paycheck while we have the girls. (good thing I have a savings account. Because if I didn't we would be stuck in this situation. Not being able to afford Legal help) We should have done this when we brought them here in the first place.... This was exactly the thing I tried to tell him before we bought the plane tickets for them.  Yes, I was right... Again.

Battle of the bulge

Update!! I have lost 5 lbs so far. I am very proud of myself now I just have to keep at it!

Oh my...

I know it is wrong. I know that in my heart of hearts that it is no good for me to even be talking to him. But he keeps talking to me. Asking me when we can be together.

I miss him it seems I miss him more when my husband and I are not getting along. It's like Noah only comes around when I am going through some tough times. Then it is so hard to not emotionally be involved with him. But I still have a hard time trusting him. But Noah has no problem trusting me. He gave me his user name and password today to one of his accounts! Why would he do that? Just confuses me so much.

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this...