One day...

One day I am going to build one of these.

Its a Tumbleweed Tiny house. I have been looking at this for a long time. I think it would be the coolest thing I could do to start downsizing my material possessions.

My Husband doesn't like this idea.... Sometimes I wonder if we really are anything alike. He says he doesn't want to live in a tiny house. I told him he didn't have to.

But mind you that is not gonna stop me. I am still gonna build one. I even have a plan to build one.

First I will finish school then get a job, and I will save up the money I need for materials.

I can get the blueprints online through the Tumbleweed company. And a plus is they are really inexpensive to build.

The hard part is picking which one I want! 

There are so many layouts. And all of them really utilize all the space perfectly! The interiors are super nice!

The cost of utilities in one of these houses is ridiculously low. Some of them have recorded utilities at $69.00 a year. That is crazy! Way to reduce your carbon foot print!

One day....

Battle of the bulge

I can't live like this! I am so disgusted with myself at this point. I have resolved that I am changing my habits. It's time to get serious again about working out and eating proper portions. I am like a walking human size pear and its not becoming.

I was in walmart yesterday and they are already selling bathing suits! What?? I'm not ready! Plus it's still only 30 degrees outside. So needless to say, I do believe it's time to get ready to battle the pudge and break out the kettlebell.

New car! yay!

Drool...



I like.





Could have used these back in the day when people would sit in the back on the floor!



All this and more.

Arg... This weight loss situation is not going good at all. This whole weekend went to shit. Friday we went out for our anniversary and I told myself I was going to have a salad, instead I ended up with the biggest burger they sell in the place. Saturday we went to look at cars and we were gone all day so we stopped at pizza hut, and yes I had pizza. Then yesterday we had to put the deposit down on the car, (I ended up going with the Kia Sorento, and I'm super excited about this) so we didnt get back till 4pm and to feed the family, we decided KFC would do this ( KFC is so disgusting I could have had a salad no problem). Needless to say, I am failing at dropping the pounds.

You know it wouldn't be so bad if I actually looked cute with some weight on me. But I don't. Not at all.


I am super excited about my new car I feel like it's the day before Christmas! I can't wait to drive it again! I will be getting out more that's for sure. I can't believe I bought a Kia! I know they won the 2010 safety pick of the year, but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I actually liked it the best out of all the cars that I looked at. I should be on a Kia commercial.

Random

This morning I woke myself up from a disturbing dream of eating pizza rolls that had some disgusting candy filling inside, I almost puked. Now every-time I think about the dream my stomach turns, and my mouth waters. Is it gonna be that kinda day today?

Sometimes my husband is an idiot. When I tell him my opinion on something he challenges me. Then he ends up doing what I told him not to do. In the end it turns out exactly like I was trying to avoid. Some times I really just want to take Liam and leave. It is so much cheaper for me to be single. I need to hurry up and get my butt in school because if we continue like this we are not gonna make it.

Im so sick of looking at cars online. I am completely confused and my brain is tired thinking about v6 and 4x4 or all wheel drive. I just want to buy one already and be done with it.

Top it all off today is my anniversary and I just know my husband is gonna want to have sex. To be truthful I'm just not up to it.

Finally!

Evita is pregnant. I swear I have been waiting years for her to bare a child! My only regret is that my heart aches to be there with her, with Charles and her, to watch their offspring grow. To let both our children grow together.

All my friends are having babies. Having them without me there. Is it the Fact that they all married before i did and knowing babies were coming next, did I unconsciously feel the need to catch up? Keep up with the jones so to speak?

I have always envied Charles and Evita's love story. They were meant for one another, destined to be together. Falling in love at a young age, high school sweethearts, married after 5 years together and still happy. They know each other like no one else knows them. It's good to have one stable image of love as theirs is, since mine is all screwed up.

Watching them evolve and grow together over the years really gives u hope in a country that has an 80 percentile divorce rate. Like an old 50's love story where they grow old and die happy together.

Dreamland..

I don't like it when i dream about him.. Everything changes when i do. My whole peace of mind just goes right out the window, and it takes a long time for me to get my equilibrium back. Sometimes I don't even remember what the dream was about, sometimes its not even the exact way he looks, or even how things went between us. But its the feelings, always the same feelings. The desperation i felt to be with him. I'm not talking about Dell, it was Noah... It seems it was always Noah, when Noah called and wanted me back, I would come running. Only to be left again. It was almost as if I couldn't get enough because I couldn't have him.

He was younger than me, much younger, mentally. I don't think he was ready for the likes of me. He was innocent in my eyes. (perhaps he was the devil himself, however, to me, he was an angel.) He was the normal to my complicated, out of control, life at the time. We went to the same church. Though i rarely seen him there. I went to watch his softball games, he played for our church.

I was in love with the way he looked at me, the way he kissed me, the way he held me. Coming from a relationship that offered me very little physical contact, this was bliss. I was totally, unabashedly, in love. I just couldn't take how he would run away every time we got close. It drove me nuts. Then eventually drove me from him.

I moved on. It was difficult for me. Much more then leaving Dell, with whom I spent 5 years of my life with. I was broken for a long while. I hid it well, mostly with the help of a superficial relationship with someone else. Every time Noah called on me, I was there. And each time he left, I had to heal myself once again. Each time it was detrimental to me.

I called enough, when I went on the first date with my husband. I am not sure if it was the fact that i had just had enough, and my heart could not take it anymore. Or if it was the fact that I had found someone whom liked the same things I did, and subconsciously I knew, was family oriented. Perhaps I was ready to have a family all along.

Noah never stops to penetrate my mind. Every once and a while we still talk. He still tells me he loves me. He wishes he never let me go. I have to end the conversation at these declarations of love and promises. I love my husband. And I have healed. I am faithful to my family. I will not leave them.
But, reluctantly, my dreams still know him.

Seriously...

So you don't like the idea. Well to bad I vetoed it. It's my parents and they could do what they want, so if u don't like it perhaps u should not dictate to me what type of vehicle I should get.

Some days I just don't have the energy for this life. Life was so much easier when I was single. I didn't have to worry about anyone's feelings. Just my own. I didn't have to justify anything, I made my own bed cause I was the only one to sleep in it, I did my dishes and I cleaned up my messes.

I don't like feeling like I don't have control over my choices, as if my wants and ideals are stupid and wrong. If I want to live in Ireland for the rest of my life don't tell me it's a dumb idea. I always try to support an others idea. So why is it so hard to just support mine?

Oh and one more thing.... You are not always right, accept for once in your life that you can be wrong once in a while. That you don't have to argue about everything. So what who cares in the big scheme of life. Just get over it already!

Don't cry for me, Evita....

No, really don't. When I was younger, I couldn't get my parents to buy me anything. Now that I'm older all of a sudden they want to buy me the world. My mother called me, she wants to buy me a car. A CAR?? What the?? Is she losing her mind? Where did this come from all of a sudden. I can't talk her out of it because deep down I really want a new car! But more than that, she is stubborn as I am and won't take no for an answer. However there is one stipulation, she wants me to get a Kia.... Really?? A Kia? Oh no they suck. Seriously what kind of 4x4 could Kia possibly make.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I have to find some way to talk her into a more SUV like SUV.

I have to learn how to let stuff go. I never considered myself very materialistic. However I am very much annoyed if someone messes up my stuff. I don't like a dirty house I hate it when some doesn't pick up after themselves. And don't you dare mess up something I just bought. Does this make me materialistic? But how is it that I can just up and leave 11 years worth of stuff and move to the middle of no where with nothing?

So I'm gonna try to lighten up this new year, roll with the good and bad, and accept it when my mom wants to buy me a new car!

Dreams.. what do they mean anyway?

Waking up I'm thinking, that was a bit strange. I have been having dreams about exs lately. Yeah, exs.. does this mean I'm not content in my marriage that I am dreaming about exs? Its almost alarming. I spent five years with a man that I loved to no end. Loved and let get away with everything he wanted to do. But, when it came to something I wanted to do it was like pulling teeth with him.

Dell was the cool guy, socially blessed, and needless to say his style was way better than mine. When we parted ways, it was almost civil. I say almost because he was very good at hiding feelings, as am I. He ripped up our pictures, and when I started to cry, he told me he did it to see if I still cared. Of course I cared, however, I was getting older, and I need to find someone that was interested in the same things I was, not someone who would probably never grow up, and wanted to go party all the time. I was getting older without him.

I remember something about Dell living in an apartment, he was not home, but I had a key. I let myself in, I find that he has been in a relationship with someone else. At this point I am overcome with sadness, and anger. Dell shows up, and I am shocked at how good looking he still is, (even in my dream, needless to say i have not seen him for 3 years now). He is shirtless, and I run into his arms while he tells me he still cares. Then I ask " why would you still care, I have a child now. He is not yours". Then the scene changes, we are standing by the window in his apartment and the building is shaking. I look up to see an airplane dangerously close to colliding with the apartments across the street. I ask, " Doesn't that freak you out? It could come crashing into your house, just like that!"  I look up and see college girls in their bathing suits exiting the top floor apartment across the street. They are all laughing and carefree, like an airplane didn't just come close to killing them all.

Is it wrong that, while that dream was so unreal, and crazy, I still tried my hardest to go back to sleep and continue it? (we all know that doesn't work.)

A change in scale.

Standing at the kitchen counter eating a chocolate marshmallow Santa does not help the fact that I have never weighed so much in my life. I did run today for like 30 mins, well walked really fast for 20 and ran for 10, so I deserve a little reward. This is probably why I will never ever weigh 119 lbs.


To be truthful, I am shamed by the way this blog started out. I sound so pitiful. Like I'm this crazy Emo person, I'm not I will say in my own defense, as a matter if fact I'm very very positive in real life. However every up must have a down. And the whole reason i started this totally obvious site was to have an outlet for my down. So thats my justification for my moodyness.

I will say this, today is a good day, if I could just get in a nap I will be super happy.. The boy is asleep and I only have so much time!

I have a good husband. My husband is the kind of husband that will change my oil in 24 degree weather. He is the kind of man that will plow the driveway at the first sign of snow, the kind of man that will drive an hour to get to work everyday while I stay home. Needless to say I am a lucky woman. You knew there was a but coming, so here it is, but, there are just some things that he does that annoys me to no end. There hardly ever is a moment of silence between us. What ever happened to comfortable silences? Why all the talking all the time? And seriously how can you be so content without friends? I'm board, I need some more interaction then just 3 kids and a husband that is barely home anyway. I have placed the blame on him for that because we all know it takes a job or a school to make friends when your older. As much as I would like to walk up to someone and say " you wanna be my friend " to a complete stranger, it's not likely that they will just be my friend, more likely that will look at me strangely and be on there way.
I don't like being talked to when I'm trying to get ready to go somewhere, just like I don't like to be talked to when I'm reading, or watching my favorite show. I really dislike being touched inappropriately when off my guard. Don't come up behind me and get a cheap feel. I hate that more than anything.

Though all these thing go through my head, every day my husband is still a good man. And I love him very much.

So exhausted

Oh my goodness, this day is so over for me. Seriously I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. What happened to the cool me. The social butterfly, the one with the cool group of friends. Sometimes I wonder why I moved to this place. Oh yeah cause I wanted wide open spaces. A house with acres, only I want to see my friends here too. I feel fat and lonely and tired. I can't wait for this day to end.

Peeved

It's like she has bi-polar disorder. I dread when Olive comes home from school, never knowing what kind of mood she is in. Last night she started with " I don't wanna do my homework" which progressed with her disgusting attitude and degrading remarks to her sister Melanie. Their my step daughters. And reluctantly they have come to live with us till their mother gets her things in order. I didn't like the idea, call me selfish but its the plain and simple fact that I do not have the ability discipline them the way I believe I should. If Olive had argued like that with my parents she would have gotten smacked across the face. Like I wanted to do to her last night.

I have a son, almost 2 years old. I don't want her blatant disrespect to rub off on my son. I am so pissed at her even after she apologized. I am mad at my husband that he allowed them to come here. I should have known this going into the marriage, and perhaps I did not care then. But there are times when I want to just leave. Take my boy and never come back. If it was not for Liem, i probably would have. Not saying I don't love my husband, I do, but I have left people I loved for less.

I really dread 4pm now.