I told you so.

Well I suppose that I am not mean enough to tell him to his face. I told you so.. But now that its happened, he understands where I was coming from. The EX told my husband yesterday that she couldn't send him the child support because she had to use it on bills. He was pissed alright, however I told him she would do this. And this was the exact reason why I told him to get it all done through the court first before he brought them here.

However my husband is the kind of person that has to get effed over so many times before it sinks in. I guess in a way that makes him a better person. But in others it makes him a fool.

The race is on now to get a lawyer.

Dreamland

I had another dream about Dell last night. He had a lot of fish. I mean tank fulls. I wake wondering why would he have so many fish? Then I realize, this Friday is his birthday. And he is a Pisces. That would make sense.

A lot

Its been a while. Some extreme things have been going on lately. I have my tickets to see my parents in April. I will stay there for a week. I have been busting my tail at trying to loose weight before the summertime. I do not want to have to go swimming in the river with embarrassment.
I got addicted to pain medications again for 2 weeks. I had my jaw cut up to remove a tooth. The pain medication addiction was a good distraction for the cabin fever I have been dealing with. Now its back to reality.
Finally we are able to take a weekend trip up to visit the Grand parents (in laws). I am very excited for this, because if I have to spend one more weekend with my husband, I just might go insane and pack up and leave. Not that things are getting that bad. But at times things are that bad in my head. My head... always spinning. Always leaving.
Spring is upon us. Thank you sweet baby Jesus in your golden diapers! I think that all this snow and being confined to the house is driving my hormones to dangerous levels. I need a happy medium. Some place where I can spend most of the year outside. Not stuck in the house. Going from Arizona to the north pole didn't help. Just polar opposites.
Why do my parents have to be going to Italy?? Still don't have a back up plan!
What is going on with the world? Millions of fish are dying in the ocean, to be washed up in California. Birds are dropping out of the sky in flocks. And Charlie Sheen is going crazy and videoing it for all the world to see.
I need to start construction on my tumbleweed sooner than I thought.

Italy?

My phone rings in my car. I nearly jumped out of my seat, I didnt expect to hear that trance song out of the blue. My mom says, "where are you"
I tell her to call me back in 15 minutes and I will be home. I walk in the door and put the stuff I had bought away when the house phone starts ringing. It's my mom. I pick up. We make small talk for a minute. Then she lays it on me
" We are moving to Italy."
" WHAT?"
" Yes, your Dad wants to work for two more years then retire, but they only have a position here for one more year. So we have to get stationed in Italy in order for him to continue work for 2 more years."
" so how long is he going to be stationed there? " I ask knowing that you just don't get stationed somewhere for 2 years.
" three years then we will be back in the states" my mom says

3 years??? Really? What am I gonna do! I can't believe they are going overseas again! I have grown accustom to knowing they where at least in the states and if I needed to run home to mommy and daddy I could. Now what! I don't have a back up plan anymore.

This is too much to handle.

So now I have to fly home with Liam for a few days in April.

Over it

Did I forget to mention... I am over it. Noah will always be someone who will want what he can never have. I don't even know why I am talking about it, like I was even considering it. Which I wasn't, it's just that sometimes he still tugs at my heart.
But I know in order to move forth I need to forgive and forget. Bless it and. Move on. Acknowledge it and embrace it. You get the point.
So I meditated on it and I come to this conclusion, having been hanging on to this for so long, and not really knowing why he continued to email me, or tried to get in contact with me, was really doing me no good.

I realize that I cannot stop him from trying to contact me. But I can move on and not worry about his motives for doing things. Perhaps he is that confused in his heart. However that is not my problem, nor shall I allow it to be my problem. God made him who he is, and it is not my concern
why.

Noah left on deployment for Afghanistan yesterday morning. I wished him well and told him I hoped he found what he was looking for in life. Perhaps that doesn't close the chapter of me in his life.
However it does close his chapter for me in my life.

Valentines Day boogie.

Well well well, who would have known the best place to have a good time is at your local Tavern. My husband and I went out on Saturday night for Valentines day. We had some dinner two small towns away, the dinner was terrible, but the wine was good. By the time we left I had a hankering to play some darts.

Sometimes my husband is so difficult. Its like i have to drag him fighting tooth and nail to do something random. He hates asking people for things. Like "where is your shampoo" or " Is there a bar in town that has a dam dart board." So I take charge. I am going to play some darts and have a good time I don't care if I have to drag him along.

He suggested a local tavern. We went. We park our butts at the end of the bar to wait out a game already in session. The locals have started to talk to us, and invite us to a concert at another bar. Na we say we are just here to play some darts.

We play, we drink, we get drunk... well I did anyway. And then my friendly side takes over. I start to meet everyone in the bar. Meanwhile getting my butt kicked at darts... Oh well, we had a good night.

My husband had fun, I had a blast. We finally had a good night.

My job here is done.... Now remind me never, ever, ever... to drink patron again...

What the hey..

I know I am random. I like to think that is part of my charm. I can jump subjects like its going out of style.
Last night I dreamt that Dell and I got back together. He was out partying with his friends. (a huge group of people I didn't even know) And they all did drugs together. Somehow we are staying in a hotel, or a house that is like a hotel. There are 3 rooms in the basement that are attached to each other. In one room in the far back is where my son is sleeping. Then there is another room with 2 beds in it with cheap hotel blankets on them. The radio is on in that room. And last there is a front room with one bed, a closet, and a table next to me. ( I am laying in the bed like I'm going to sleep) Dell comes back with his group of friends. I can sense something off about him. Somehow my dream thoughts as well as my awake thoughts merge. I could always count on Dell to be faithful. I trusted him with my life. (I have never trusted anyone that much ) But I didn't trust him now. So I pull him aside. And he tells me what is going on. He is having trust issues with me. We work it out. For our son.

I wake feeling sad.. I miss Dell. A lot. I was thinking of him last night before I fell asleep. I wonder what he is up to now. What he is doing with his life. I wonder what it would be like had we stayed together. Then I walk into Liam's room, and I know, I wouldn't change a thing. He is standing in his crib holding his monkey, he says to me "Hi".

Liam is my life. My greatest love.

Thus said, I am going to school. I no longer care if its just for my LPN. I don't care that I cannot afford to go for my MLT degree. I will get an associate as an LPN and then I will work on my RN. I have done jobs in the past that I did not care for. But now its a matter of my Liam. I would do any job that I had to in order to insure that he is taken care of. As I said, he is my life.

Exactly what I was afraid of has come to pass. My husband and I took in his children from his previous marriage. They are living with us now. The agreement was that the Ex was to send us the money when she got child support out of his check. Now she has two of the child support checks and has not sent us the money. Needless to say we are broke right now, in trying to provide for them as well as Liam. This is how much she can be trusted.. She never even sent the girls a Christmas present, let alone a card. I warned my husband this would happen when we were first discussing taking the girls in. He got angry and wanted to know what else he was suppose to do. " They are my kids, I'm not just gonna leave them hanging. If they need to move here to be in a better enviorment then I will move them here" This is just a peep of what kind of arguing we did over this. To the point where I sent him an email explaining to him that I had enough and I wanted to leave him. He changed his tone and tried to work it out with me. But in the end, he still allowed the Ex to get what she wanted, and now that brings us to where we are now.

Today I get to call a lawyer. To see if there is some easy paperwork they can file to stop the support from coming out of his paycheck while we have the girls. (good thing I have a savings account. Because if I didn't we would be stuck in this situation. Not being able to afford Legal help) We should have done this when we brought them here in the first place.... This was exactly the thing I tried to tell him before we bought the plane tickets for them.  Yes, I was right... Again.