Dreamland..

I don't like it when i dream about him.. Everything changes when i do. My whole peace of mind just goes right out the window, and it takes a long time for me to get my equilibrium back. Sometimes I don't even remember what the dream was about, sometimes its not even the exact way he looks, or even how things went between us. But its the feelings, always the same feelings. The desperation i felt to be with him. I'm not talking about Dell, it was Noah... It seems it was always Noah, when Noah called and wanted me back, I would come running. Only to be left again. It was almost as if I couldn't get enough because I couldn't have him.

He was younger than me, much younger, mentally. I don't think he was ready for the likes of me. He was innocent in my eyes. (perhaps he was the devil himself, however, to me, he was an angel.) He was the normal to my complicated, out of control, life at the time. We went to the same church. Though i rarely seen him there. I went to watch his softball games, he played for our church.

I was in love with the way he looked at me, the way he kissed me, the way he held me. Coming from a relationship that offered me very little physical contact, this was bliss. I was totally, unabashedly, in love. I just couldn't take how he would run away every time we got close. It drove me nuts. Then eventually drove me from him.

I moved on. It was difficult for me. Much more then leaving Dell, with whom I spent 5 years of my life with. I was broken for a long while. I hid it well, mostly with the help of a superficial relationship with someone else. Every time Noah called on me, I was there. And each time he left, I had to heal myself once again. Each time it was detrimental to me.

I called enough, when I went on the first date with my husband. I am not sure if it was the fact that i had just had enough, and my heart could not take it anymore. Or if it was the fact that I had found someone whom liked the same things I did, and subconsciously I knew, was family oriented. Perhaps I was ready to have a family all along.

Noah never stops to penetrate my mind. Every once and a while we still talk. He still tells me he loves me. He wishes he never let me go. I have to end the conversation at these declarations of love and promises. I love my husband. And I have healed. I am faithful to my family. I will not leave them.
But, reluctantly, my dreams still know him.